It seems I'm in the habit of only posting once a month or so. That's ok I'm not sure many people read this anyways. I am inexplicably involved in an impossible romance. I know I'll probably never get the chance to be with her, and even if I do that it won't work out. I don't want to be selfish but at the same time I want to look her in the eyes and tell her that even if we don't work out it will be a memorable experience we can both treasure. I think when people date they never really expect to find their true love. In highschool, college, and even a bit beyond that people date for the experiences and the memories that will help them grow and mature until they do find the one they love. When I talk to her or spend time with her I enjoy every joke and sad moment. I love the fact that she calls me when she needs to calm down and center herself, and knowing that I can come to her in the same way. Yet our differences are many and our chances are slim. Is it worth dragging both of us through possible heart break to experience what could only be considered the briefest possible moment of joy? I wish we could work out and last forever but the realist in me keeps telling me it's impossible, and the realist in her confirms that ugly side of me. Neither one of us and push ourselves to commit, nor can we force ourselves to let go of this glimpse of true joy amidst a lifetime of confusion and chaos. I hope I can have the strength and character to prevail and to hold on to this joy because it may be my last.

It's funny how time changes things. A month or so ago I was doing my best to get rid of a girl, now I seem to be doing my best to chase one down. Lord only knows why I'm so interested in talking to her, I can't explain it. She's comforting in a very unique way. Whatever happens I hope we can continue to talk and become good friends. I got a lot of crap from the guys because I dragged them out of a bar and into the library so I could check to see if I got any messages from her Saturday night. I surprised myself doing this since alcohol had become my hiding place since last year. I can't believe that she's the only reason I feel more at ease but I can't think of any others. She's really the only new thing to crop up in life for a while now.

Anyways my uncle died a week and a half ago. It was sad to say goodbye, he was always around when I was a little kid. He was a military man, and just an all around great guy. I hope I can grow up to be half the man he was.

The Homeland

Recently it's occurred to me that as I grow older my chances to settle down in a new place are less and less. I would really like to move to Korea and live there for a while. I haven't been since I was a little under two but despite that it still feels like my home. If I go I'm not even sure that I'd be happy there but for some reason the thought of leaving has been stuck in my mind for a long time now. I think if I don't go I'll regret it for a while. It's not without it's downsides though leaving means traveling half way around the world. No one would be able to help me there and no one would know me. I'd be a stranger in a strange and far off place. I'll have to decide sooner or later hopefully I make the correct decision if there even is one.

What to do?

Recently I broke up with my girlfriend of a couple months. I broke up with her simply because I like her too much. It sounds stupid but I know I'm not ready to seriously date someone and probably won't be ready for a while. Knowing she was falling heavily for me and that I was falling for her meant I'd have to risk hurting her a lot because I can't handle that kind of emotional attachment now. I told her all of this honestly and plainly because I knew of no other way to do this in a manner that would be as painless as possible. She told me that she understood but that she would wait for me and love me as much as I would allow. Maybe sometime in the future if she is still interested we could have a shot at something wonderful but for now I'm doing what I believe is right and good for both of us especially her. I still would like to apologize I should probably push you away and shut you off so you can simply get over me but I cannot do that. I truly have fallen for you quite a bit and it's just too hard for me to let go that easily. I'm sorry for any tears this will cause and while I can never truly understand your pain know that I'm not unscathed from this. If I could I wish I could take every once of pain and suffering out of her life but as it is I know I'm only adding more. Mianhamnida.

The beginning

Every story has a beginning and mine isn't important. I made this blog so I can vent. Not to anyone in particular though I suppose in a way it's online so people can read it. There isn't much point to venting if there isn't anyone else there. Maybe some of the people I'm talking about will find this maybe it will end up in my profile but ultimately it is here for me to express myself. The stories/commentaries contained within are mine and mine alone and the thoughts and ideas while misguided and idiotic may contain something insightful for anyone reading. I apologize if I offend anyone my intentions are good.